MOUSE OF COMMONS. MOUSE OF LORDS.

GLADSTONE'S WEDDING LETTER...

Note: This story contains photos from my friend Julie and Pete's wedding. Julie appears as Miss Tula Swiss in this story and Pete as Mr Luigi Milan. I'd like to thank Julie and Pete and anyone else at the wedding who may appear in the photos included in this post.

* GLADSTONE’S WEDDING LETTER *

Concerning the wedding of Miss Tula Swiss and Mr Luigi Milan, at Bee-Sting Manor, Southern England on Friday 13th July 2007.


Dearest Astrid,

I’m not sure if this will be of interest to you and your readers as I know you don’t really cover human weddings in your column. However, as you are a guinea pig of good taste and as this is a bit of an exclusive being that the human papers didn’t get to cover it, I thought you might at least be interested in some details concerning the event. I have included a number of photos that were taken on the day, in case they should be of some use.

Firstly, I must say that despite the date and the fact that the weather had been a little tricky all week, the wedding was a complete success. However, that isn’t to give the impression that there was no trouble along the way.

As I’ve already indicated – the wedding took place at the home of millionaire hound Robbie Zeldar – although he himself was unable to be present due to work commitments overseas. Robbie, being a very generous minded fellow had, after some discussion between myself and Charlie Grrr arranged for Tula’s Aunt – the mystic, Fatima the Fantabulous to hold the wedding at his estate in the country.


Bee-Sting Manor has long been the home for many a showbiz party and from the very start was one of the very first places that animals and humans from a celebrity background were able to mingle. I myself, have attended many a party there – including one Halloween party where all the guests turned into monsters after eating Charlie Grrr’s infamous recipe for zompie’s. However – I have never attended any wedding where there has been such a happy mix of humans and animals.

Tula’s husband to be, Mr Luigi Milan – invited only a small selection of his best friends from back in Italy – this did not include his former colleague Mr Guiseppe Pisa. It’s a long story and I wasn’t closely involved – but I believe that Tula and her Auntie Fatima were first introduced to Luigi at Rome airport during their travels last year. At the time Luigi was working at a customs officer at the airport on the occasion that Fatima and Tula discovered that they had Charlie Grrr’s son, Junior, stowing away in their suitcase. Although Luigi accepted his wife to be’s explanations, I believe that his colleague Guiseppe wasn’t quite so accommodating and met with the wrath of Ms Fantabulous.

Anyway – as well as the small Italian contingent, there were a number of key civil servant’s from Tula’s former work – including MP Clifford Dunn and his partner and former Prime Minister Lady Jones. Tula’s Aunt Fatima was also her maid of honour and her bridesmaid’s were Alena Manhattan (who replaced her at The Ministry a couple of years ago) and her friend Yasmin. There were a number of other P.A.’s and managers whom Tula knew from her former work – and I can tell you that a good number of them rather overdid it on the ginger beer and ended up making quite a show of themselves on the dancefloor.

Above and Below. Some of Tula's colleagues go a little bit wild!!!

However, the pranks of the inebriated civil servants was nothing compared to some of the antics of my own colleagues.

Not that I would like to suggest that all those of my acquaintance caused trouble – reformed character Deeley chauffeured the bride to the wedding venue and arrived in good time and my own faithful friend, Oliver Louse was on hand to sort out a domestic between two of the magpie ushers, found fighting over the rings just prior to the service. Despite his small stature he was able to send them on their way by setting an rather large and unruly clockwork raven on their tails.

Slight alarm came about when Laura the dustmite got into trouble later in the day. Laura, known for being practically weightless and prone to being caught in breezes – arrived inside a specially designed bubble that allowed her to remain at the reception without being in danger of blowing away before the end of the speeches. This device had been constructed by the world renowned scientist Professor Gibraltar Smith who attended via satellite link up from Pluto. All went well until Miss Laura needed to leave her bubble to “powder her nose” and was last seen waving frantically from the top of a tree in a neighbouring field sometime just before dusk. Thankfully, our friend Felix the pigeon was able to fly up and retrieve her – much to the relief of her fiancé and long time moth companion, Pedro Pompidour.

Whilst, both Fatima, Luigi and myself gave speeches at the wedding – I am pleased to say that the poet, Shy Yeti gave a beautiful reading of a poem that he had written specially for the day. He was accompanied by former child actor and time travelling yeti Simon Yeti who later, aided by the cub, Junior Grrr did a splendid job at doing the disco. I am glad to be able to announce that Simon is no longer invisible – but does occasionally go a tad opaque in stormy weather. There were telegrams from my good friend Bell – still travelling around the world with the ever-notorious former Princess Gloria of the Whiskers Isles - as well as bear friend's De Vere and travel writer Marcel who were busy filming a documentary on exotic gravy in Beargrrria. A spot of added glamour came in the form of a video message from Tula's good friend’s the actors Sir Liam Magellan and Dame Margo Myth who have recently won awards for their new American sitcom; OLD TIMERS.

As far as I am concerned, I am pleased to say that my involvement with the wedding went very smoothly - not to mention quite successful. From the initial speech at the reception, to finally escorting Luigi and Tula to the airport to ensure they caught their flight the next day en route to their honeymoon. Interestingly enough the newly weds are spending their holiday with those rather mysterious and intriguing statues on Easter Island. My only slight discomfort came when I spent much of the evening being pursued by a couple of aardvark actresses who, due to shortage of work, were working as waitresses on the day. At first I thought they were looking for me to give them a reference or perhaps were after an autograph from Oliver – however it turned out they wanted me to have a word with Charlie Grrr who apparently earlier in the evening had promised them the starring role in one of his shows in exchange for twelve large pies.

Now, of course the naïve aardvarks had given Charlie the pies – but then he’d simply vanished. I was only able to apologise to the aardvarks profusely – but we never did see Charlie again that evening.


That wasn’t to say that we hadn’t seen QUITE enough of him earlier in the day. Not only had he arrived at the ceremony dressed exactly in the same outfit as BOTH the bride and groom, but he proceeded to stalk the wedding cake around the house from the moment he arrived. The cake, a beautifully made traditional fruit cake with white icing, came with a tier of smaller red and white heart adorned cup cakes – and nearly vanished into the stomach of Mr Grrr on several occasions during the ceremony. At one point the bear had to be pulled away from the cake growling “YOU KNOW YOU’RE MINE, OH MY SWEET BELOVED – DON’T RESIST YOUR TRUE FEELINGS…”

Thankfully, both the cake and Charlie Grrr were locked away in separate wings of the house and so the attending guests did actually get to taste it later in the day and Tula and Luigi even managed to have their picture taken cutting it.


Sadly, this wasn’t the only point in the evening when Charlie got himself into trouble. Not only was he banned from the group photos for eating the foliage in the lady’s hats – but he was also found trying to break into the buffet room in an attempt to eat all the crackling off the pork. He did this by trying to get down the chimney – but got stuck – although not before he’d somehow managed to stretch his tongue down the fireplace and scoffed all the stuffing and potato salad. At one point he was reprimanded for firing the confetti guns at people eating during the reception and trying to run away with whole tables of food. This and an over-consumption of belly button fluff tea doctored with large measures of ginger beer meant that he kept treading on people’s toes on the dance floor and almost resulted in him proposing marriage to a large spray of geraniums that he mistook for a rather pungent Cornish pastry.

It was later commented that no-one could actually remember inviting Charlie Grrr and he was only finally silenced when Fatima did a little spell and turned him into an ice sculpture for 20 minutes until he melted himself into an apology on the patio. Once transformed back he had stormed off, shivering and muttering about being given the cold shoulder.

“Perhaps he’ll know now what those pies feel like when he insists on freezing them…” Fatima had declared, without a single iota of guilt.


Anyway, despite all this busy-ness, I am happy to announce that the day was a resounding success. Luigi looked a picture of handsome sophistication – but it was Tula that really took my breath away for she really did look a million dollars. Anyway – you can quite clearly see that from the enclosed photos, I’m sure.

It seems fitting to finish by allowing you to read Shy Yeti’s poem: A LIFE TOGETHER – which he wrote especially for the wedding and which, I believe, will be available along with a retrospective of his work as THE SINGLE FILE, later in the year.

I hope you have found some of this of some interest to you or your readers and look forward to the next time we meet.

Best wishes and warmest regards,

Your friend,

Gladstone McWhiskers

Mouse of Commons and Lords.


A LIFE TOGETHER

For Tula and Luigi on their wedding – 13th July 2007

The path they tread.

The love they seek.

The words they’ve said.

Shall not grow weak.

Their lives wide open –

With plans they’ve made…

Their dreams awoken –

These memories that will never fade…


Fine times they share –

Deep trust has grown.

How much they care…

Today is shown.

They give the sign.

And speak the vow.

Two hearts entwine,

All here can see their time is now.


Two lives converge –

Here as they do,

Strong feelings surge,

Their hopes come true.

The sights they’ve seen…

Still yet to see…

The future’s keen…

Yes, some things in life are meant to be…

This letter was included in full in today's edition of Auntie Astrid’s gossip column in THE GUINEA PIG GAZETTE.


All photos are Copyright Paul Chandler 2007. Thank you to all those involved and to Julie and Pete Archer for arranging for their use in this edition.

Gladstone’s letter was composed by himself and transcribed by Mr Chandler on Saturday 14th July, where it was posted on his blogsite: www.mouseofcommons.blogspot.com the same day. Thanks to Gladstone McWhiskers for allowing its inclusion for the delight of a wider audience. Any left over cakes from the wedding should be hurriedly frozen to keep them preserved and then emailed to Mr Chandler at shyyeti@yahoo.co.uk. Thank you.

Labels: Charlie Grrr, Julie, Mouse of Commons, Wedding

posted by Paul Chandler @ 9:51 PM